Darkness

For many of you that have followed my family for awhile now may or most likely don't know I battle with Bipolar Disorder. In a typical day I struggle with myself, my mood swings, anxiety, energy levels, lack of sleep ect. ect. ect. I myself am typically in a manic depressed state at most times, generally for months at a time. Very seldom do I have a manic high. One maybe two days out of the year. I've learned to live with my disorder, I own it, I notice the signals before episodes and have created systems to fight off my demons.

My dream of having our own land, being away from people, neighbors, building our own homestead, being self sufficient, having dreams and making goals to work towards, checking them off slowly, but surely has given me light at the end of a typical dark tunnel. Having and raising a large family full of love and compassion for others.

All of these aspirations brings me out of an onslaught of darkness. With all that is going on I find it all slipping away. My dreams, my goals, the land, my gardening. If it weren't for my kids continuing to water and care for our garden. If it wasn't for sitting and enjoying endless hours of chickens running around like little, feathered dinosaurs I'd allow myself to become lost in the darkness. Day by day IT GETS HARDER and I want to give up on happiness. I've lost my drive, I don't want to think or watch anything concerning homesteading, gardening, houses I find it harder and harder to pick up my crochet and knitting needles, yet I continue to reach. I'm not suicidal so no fear there trust me.

I see the dark, And I find myself slipping back into autopilot, physically doing the motions, just not part of anything. I am blessed to have my family, blessed to have little blessings to knit and crochet for, you may not know it yet, but your keeping me afloat mentally and physically. I know darkness better than anyone realizes. I've kept this darkness to myself because it's not pretty, it's nothing to glamorize, yet IT'S PART OF ME. It's shapes my reality.

It's why I love to give and make beautiful things for others. I might not be able to feel happiness at most times, but seeing my efforts given, the smiles and love for my efforts, shows me happiness exists. It allows me to pretend even for a moment I could be normal.

Here's to me trying to hold it together for another day. Here's to keeping it real!