Monday Morning was a bit of a nervous wreck for me. I hadn't slept too well that night, or the night before with non stop things crossing my mind. I was also recovering from a cold the whole house seemed to catch within a few days. On top of having delivered papers on my now once a week Sunday paper route. Got the kids up and ready to leave for my moms by 6am. With morning grumpiness everywhere to be had, along with my husband getting ready for his early morning of work for the week it was chaos. After having loaded the children up in the van and having just waved my husband off, I realized I had forgotten my pocketbook in my husbands vehicle. So instead of getting gas and then heading to my mothers, I had to meet up with him. Because as we all know there's no appointment without ID and insurance cards. Having meet up with my husband, I then dropped the kiddos of with my mom, taking Lincoln and Fox with me, stopped got gas, then straight to Little Rock we went for Lincoln's appointment at the Children's Hospital. Luckily we got there 30 minutes early so that we could navigate the maze of a hospital to find the actual eye clinic. Signed in and waited. After ten minutes Lincoln was dilated and waiting for the doctor.
Sadly we didn't find out much through the doctor herself. Other than his eyes are working perfectly, great vision, no abnormality of his eyes other than having a droopy upper lid. Was handed a doctor card, and a website to go to to learn what he is being diagnoses with. Ptosis
I am a little sad that, that's all that was discussed and I was left to learn what the diagnosis is and what we have to look forward to on my own. Other than scheduling for a second appointment to monitor his droopiness of his lid, and to inform us the only option is surgery when he is much, much older. That's it! Way to leave someone hanging and wanting to know more. Leaving with more questions and worry. Before leaving the hospital we went site seeing around the hospital at the play equipment and walking trail, so as to have something to do when I bring all the kids for appointments in the future.
Doing what moms do best yesterday I spent the day researching what I could about ptosis. Blogs, facebook groups, youtube video's. I'll admit I know the possible surgery he may need is minor to what other operations are done. It breaks my heart to know the recovery process, and the possibilities of failure, or multiple surgeries he may need in the future if the lid persists to droop. But all the while realizing at some point this will likely be our future.
Now I don't share this lightly, but I myself have had self image awareness due to my teeth. At an early age my teeth began literally falling apart. Underwent braces to correct overcrowding and yet they continued to break apart to pieces. Later to find out I had an allergy to the metal from the braces and having them attached to my mouth had weakened my teeth. Which caused them to decline faster than they would have. During a time of my life where childhood should have been all laughs and smiles. I taught myself to not laugh or smile. Isolate myself from my peers. On top of children that can be so mean sometimes, even heartless. Yet sadly adults are far worse, they easily offered up insults and prejudices due to my damaged teeth. I was already ridiculed due to a British accent here in the states. Already a target of something different from the norm. Due to no fault of my own other than they were my teeth and they were in my mouth. I have spent my whole adult life isolated due to my own insecurities. I've been openly accused of being a crack or meth head, in front of my children. To have put off having to have my mouth examined by a dentist because of the humiliation of how rotten they were. Scared to death of the process of having them fixed, let alone the cost. To know that I finally had to go and have all the broken remains removed due to my health and the health of my children needing a mom. To feel ashamed of myself, that I couldn't and wouldn't allow myself to be proud of my kids at soccer games, family events, to get to know others, or the numerous possibilities I was always stepping away from due to my own insecurities. For others to think I was stuck up when in all honesty I was hiding, with my head down and between my legs hopping no one would notice or think less of my family because of me. To know I was battling myself. Every minute of every day. Wanting more than anything to be with everyone else having a good time. Instead of hiding behind my children in a dark corner. To wait until 30 to finally get the work I needed done, done. To wait until 30 years old and 6 kids to finally smile. Yet it is still an effort not to hide behind my hand or my locks, but to show the world my honest love and brightest smile I always wanted. I finally feel human.
I don't want that for my son. I don't want a world of people to make him insecure like I've always been. I don't want something so simple as a droopy lid to set him apart or to be an easy target to harm him. At some point I know deep down this surgery is for the best, but my mumma's heart loves him as he is and hates the thought of having to cut into his lid and the three month recovery process. The thought of him being doped up on meds and uncomfortable. The thought of being scared crap-less that his wee little arms and hands will pull and irritate the recovering wound. The thought of something possibly going wrong when he can see perfectly just to make him "normal". I dream that my son would find someone to love him for himself as himself regardless of a weakened eye lid as my husband did for me. All this is aimlessly bouncing around, will we make the right choice, myself in a whirl of emotions and questions, because our doctor simply handed me a paper that started ptosis and said return in two months to monitor the lid. That's it, that's all I have to go on for right now.
Today is Wednesday and today I'm gonna hug my Little Lincoln as only I can and hope everything turns out for the best. I'm going to take this new hurdle one day at a time. If you or your little ones have had anything similar please feel free to message. I am open to your stories, before and after's,and your advice. I do plan to continue blogging and starting a vlog soon to share our experience with this new development in hope that Lincoln and his experience may better help another family.
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