In the storm of dealing with non stop phone calls back and forth with the new owners of our house, the constant waiting for work crews and property managers, bank, and insurance reps to come out and survey our house it's been utter chaos and frustration. Keeping us on our toes trying to keep as much of the house neat and tidy, in our daily madness of a family of 8. I've been battling myself and my demons as previously stated in the last blog.
Instead of wallowing in all of the bad, my family, and friends, even many of my media followers has kept my hopes and dreams on the top most of my mind. I'll be honest I'm a solitary person, I like to keep certain things of my kids and family life private. In opening up about our turmoils dealing with our house and (SlumLords as my mum calls them) I've slowly started opening up more. Wanting to connect with others and broaden my tribe. To know in my hour of need that so many came forth with insight on possible ways for us to move forward, to know so many battling their own demons, plus the overflow of kind words many gave, filled me with hope. Not only hope but a feeling of not being alone. That there are others out there full of kindness in a time where others only want a rent check and doesn't care what happens to the inhabitants of an already occupied house.
In the beginning of my frustrations I decided to focus my energy on something positive. I wanted to focus my energy to tranquility, to innocence, to pure love. What better love than that of a child, a baby. Knitting and crocheting baby things always brings me such happiness. Knowing the fresh plate each blessing starts with. The unconditional love and warmth, that fits snug in your arms, made to fit perfectly to you. Luckily for me I know several little blessings coming up and decided on multiple babies to love from afar. In my yarn stash I have skeins a plenty of white yarn. I tend not to like white as a color seeing that it is so easy to stain, never being the same. I tend to use pastels, and multicolored skeins for my projects.
For the first time I found myself drawn to white yarn. I began and simply loved the innocence of the color, the soothing calm I suddenly felt moving through my fingers. There's a movie I loved as a child ( know mind you I love fairy tales so this may not be a surprise, yet will reveal my age a bit) The Princess and the Goblin. I felt as my fingers wound around the yarn and as it worked through my finger that my mood began to change, My feelings and frustrations began to ease guiding me. I thought of positive things, of the beauty of the world, the beautiful sunflowers growing and blooming, greeting me each morning when I open our front door. I thought of my fondness of nature, trees plants, and natures animals.
I've never thought of color having the power to alter our state of mind. Maybe because of my Bipolar I just came to think I was broken. Yellow is not a energizing, nor restful color for me, Yet I revel in my essential oils. As I continued to work I began to realize color does play on our minds as anchors to the world. White for purity, white doves, I began to realize what I had never before contemplated. Maybe my age and sudden revelations taking part. Like such as the gardening we began this year. Never before had I loved flowers or their true beauty, nature yes, but not the strength, and splendor of growing, and sustaining life. I learned through a Facebook post how sunflowers turn to the sun for their light, but in darkness that they turn to each other for their light. This has spoken to my spirit, to know that in my darkness I too needed to venture out for another light instead of alone in my turmoil and solitude. Reaching out and sharing my truth. Accepting my faults, and darkness, to know that I needed to think of a life yet to begin, of the warmth and comfort of a little baby to help lift my spirit and keep me going. This gave me such new profound need to complete and wrap with a love of my own.
I've come to love knitting a cocoon with owls worked into the stitches, before it took me months to make for my own child, as well as others I have come across as gifts for baby showers or family. I was surprised how I clung to this project giving my all, my love, my hopes, my prayers. How fast this cocoon suddenly finished, then too the little hat that came along effortlessly. I've always loved to knit and crochet. Yet never before have I needed to knit to heal quite like this before. I knit for my junior arthritis, I knit for the serenity of a hard days work, I knit for my children as a gift only I can give. I knit to do something productive as we watch tv (my case mostly listen). Even after I Finally found the will to knit after my loss I'd never felt so much need to finish. Never before did I find peace, never before have I found linking my mental disorder and desperate need to get away from negative energies soothing. Feeling the flow from my hands by thinking of positive things, of the beauty of life itself. I've found a new tranquility in a hobby I've practiced for over 14 years ,a new love, healing, and purpose.
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